none of it matter

lousy monday

2011-08-08T05:44:00.000-07:00

it wasn't what you said that got me mad,
it was the way you said it

it wasn't that i don't care about what you want,
it was the way you said it

it wasn't that i don't care how you felt,
it was the way you express it

it wasn't that i'm not sorry for what i did,
it was the way you let your anger go that made mine sparks off again and not dying down.

so even though i'm really sorry and regret what i had done,
i refuse to apologize or even acknowledge it since i'm pissed off

the end

2010-08-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

Time seemed to stop as he watch his wife stumbled to the ground. Her body was drifting slowly before landing onto the hard tarmac. He didn’t – couldn’t – hear anything else, the shriek, the gunshots, the commands; miraculously, amidst all the noise and commotion, he’s in a silent world, a world where only he and his wife exist.

But as his feet started to move towards her, his body was slammed to the side by another human being. He didn’t care who it was. He only cared that this person had just stopped him from going to his wife. He was angry. He was furious. He tried to push him away. He wriggled back and fro to release himself from underneath him but he failed. This man is too powerful – or maybe he was too weak – for him to gain even an inch. He could only watch in agony as his wife’s body lay on the tarmac, in the middle of a gunfight.

He knew that she’s dead. Even before the bullet pierce her head, he knew that she’ll die. That’s why he said those words. The words that were supposed to be said earlier. The words that were supposed to be said at another time but he ran out of time. It was his fault, for putting things off. For creating this situation.

“ I love you”. With desperation he said.

“I love you too”, she replied. The look on her face was one of pure joy. But somehow he couldn’t feel it. Couldn’t take in the meaning of those words. Their goodbye shouldn’t be like this, his heart screamed.

Exactly at those moments, he heard the shot. He saw the trigger being pulled. He felt the pain as if the bullet were being put inside his head, scattering his brain.

And now, it’s over. The guy who shot his wife was lying dead next to her in a middle of a blood poll. All his accomplice were either dead or surrendered to the police. And he’s finally able to walk over to his wife’s body. Her hand were still bound behind her, her clothes was soaked with blood – he couldn’t tell whether it was hers or the guy’s blood – but she looked happy. Content. As if death is a prize that she’d won, something that she’d been waiting for. Or could it be because of his final words to her?? He couldn’t tell.

He picked her up, and finally the tears were coming down.

the fun is gone

2010-08-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

i love to write...it's a form of freedom for me...i got to be who i really am...say what i really meant...and believe it or not...it gives me certain pleasure...

but the pleasure only came when i'm writing on a piece of paper with a pen...somehow...with all these new technology...the magic is lost..the fun is just not there anymore...

so i cease to write as much as before

damnation

2010-07-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

since no one's gonna read this post anyhow...i'll just rant on and on

it's bad enough that i've been feeling down and restless this past few days on my own...i don't need others to add this feeling of uneasiness...damn you

i felt that what i'm doing now had lost all meaning...the only thing keeping me here is my promise to my dad that i'd graduate...no matter what...he won't have me following in his footsteps...not completing his study and came home halfway...i had already promised i wouldn't...so here i am...stuck till graduation....

how i wish i could fast forward everything...but i can't...so i just have to deal with all this uncertainness by myself...with my own way...God help me

have u ever

2010-05-09T11:26:00.001-07:00

have u ever feel like running away
instead u became closer

have u ever feel like erasing everything
yet it became more n more etched in ur heart n mind

have u ever want to get along
but u kept fighting n quarreling

have u ever try to break free
just to become more tied than ever

have u ever want to love
only to end up hurt

ironic isn't it?
how life gave the opposite of what u want
if what u want wasn't granted, maybe it's for the best, maybe there's better thing in the future
just have faith
and move on

the end

2010-01-06T20:24:00.001-08:00

i never thought i'd say this....but i did...
i was wrong about you...

all this time that i stood by your side...believing you...trusting you...were useless...
you were just playing with me...
toying with me...
using me...
while i sincerely love you...

while others keep trying to save me....
i thought they were trying to sway me away...
i kept thinking that they were jealous...
i kept saying that you were not like that...
how wrong i was...

so thank you...
for showing me...
the extend of selfishness you're willing to go...
for being the kind of person you really are...
before it's too late for me to save myself

but i do not regret loving you...
nor being with you...
although it was just an act of pure selfishness on your part...
it was a good memory...
i shall cherish it...
as a reminder that...
all good thing must come to an end

damn those damned

2009-12-21T09:18:00.000-08:00

i wasn't going to dwell into this issue any longer...

but my anger wasn't subsiding like i suspected it would...

so here i am...damning those that damned me this morning...

oh...i know i'm so damned...

but so are you...

it's only words...but

2009-11-16T11:26:00.000-08:00

words can be powerful

it can slice through people's hearts

it can hurt someone's feelings

it can also destroy one's life

so be careful with the words that you choose

because you can never take it back

herm...

2009-11-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

i like exams...
i've always do...
it's the only time that there's :
no homework...
no teachers nagging you...
no classes...

it's laidback...very calm and peaceful...
it's the only time i ever felt needed...trusted...dependable..
it's the only time i ever felt confident with myself...

and lately...it's the only time that i ever get to see him...spend with him...be with him....

the bitchy me

2009-10-15T03:24:00.000-07:00

isn't it ironic....

that the one you love the most...

is the one that you hurt the most...

and also the one that hurt you the most...

no matter how sorry i felt for hurting you...i still felt that you deserve it...

is it because you didn't understand...

or is it because it seems like you didn't care enough for me

so i keep on hurting you...

all over again...

I'M SORRY

exam week

2009-10-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

this is the most....

what's the most suitable word for this...

stressful?

boring??

weird???

exam week i ever had....

don't know what did i read...didn't understand a thing that i'm supposedly to be studying...and i have no recollection whatsover of ever answering anything...

whatever happen to me????

that day

2009-09-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

25hb september 2009

4 ramadhan 1430

u took a piece of me away...

wait for me

for i'll be joining u soon...

love u with all my heart

miss u every single second

praying for ur happiness every day

it's been nothing

2009-08-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

it's been quite a while since my last entry coz nothing could dampen my festive mood...

yeah...my result sucks,my allowance got cut,my best friend dump me n the king of pop died...but i'm not really that shaken up...

how much i've matured...i think

frustrated

2009-06-09T22:43:00.001-07:00

it's so frustrating when you put in so much effort...so much time into something....but the result is disappointing. it seem like everything was just in vain...that no matter how hard you work at it...it's still the same...

nothing will change...

none of it matter...

stay way from me

2009-06-01T13:07:00.000-07:00

humans need to survive. we were wired to protect ourselves from any injury, pain or from getting hurt. be it physically or emotionally. but somehow, by doing that, we end up hurting people around us.

i start off alone. i came into this world alone. then i was brought up by parents. i grew up with family. i became comfortable with them. i was able to express myself freely. and i end up hurting them because i think they would understand. because i took them for granted.

i went out into the world. make friends...acquaintances. at first i was cautious. i was polite. i tiptoed around sensitive issues. i try to please stay out from as much trouble as i can.but as time wears on...i got comfortable. i forgot that they too have their own opinion. i forgot that they too have their own world. and so i hurt them. like i hurt my family. i took them for granted.

all in all...now i think it's time for me to back off. it's never too late to apologize (some people say) so i'm doing it now. i apologize to all who had been hurt by my selfish acts all these while. i was so full of myself that i forget about people around me.

I'M SORRY

the most dreadful of it all

2009-05-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

the feeling of losing is something that everyone will experience. it can be losing to someone...or losing someone..

losing a loved one is never easy...the hurt,the pain,the loneliness, the tears...it all just put more sadness into you...

especially if you don't know the reason behind it...the losing became more and more unearable

taking sides

2009-05-23T09:45:00.001-07:00

is it just me or i think people already start taking sides? whenever i'm in a situation like this....i always felt that people around me start dividing. choosing allies. taking sides...n most often...against me

call me paranoid

the thing about paranoid is...i tend to worry about small things. things that aren't suppose to be worried for. sometimes it's truly uncalled for...but most of the time..i saw clearly through the clouds.

there's no silver lining there. nothing to brighten up the damn day. nothing that can make me feel better. nothing. zilch

like aimaan said...SSDD...same shit different day...

give and take

2009-05-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

lately..i've been avoiding a lot of people...

i don't know why...but it just seems i got annoyed really easily with them.

so now, i just tend to stick to a small group of people that so far...i haven't felt like punching in the face yet.

i feel like suffocating...those were the days when we all used to talk together, watch tv together, laugh together, eat together...now i can't even stand being with them for more than 5 minutes.
what happened? i thought we were good together...

was it me? was it them? or was it that all these times...we were all ignoring the incompability...giving our best and taking the worse...and we did it for 3 years...did the time is up?

i accept the fact that people change...but this time...i can't seem to accept the change...

exam time

2009-05-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

it's almost exam time...and it brings back waves of memories...

1st sem : me, aiman n mamut...made an alliance...
2nd sem : 1st time i ever had a study discussion with anyone...huhu...it pays back handsomely...my 2nd sem result was the best i ever had...
3rd sem : the worst result ever....i think...hadn't had time to clarify the fact...
4th sem : felt so down from mid sem exam till i had to fly back home....so that i could answer my final exam...huih
5th sem : not so bad i guess...but could have been better
6th sem : still working on...haha...coming up in 2 weeks

exams always being a special time for me...it's the only things in life that i think i can do with an ease...don't get me wrong...it's not that i excel in all my exams...it's just i've never been bothered by exam...i never get stressed by it...i just go and do it...whatever results i got...i just accept it...

what makes exams really special to me during my time here in university...it's that i felt needed...everybody was looking for me...
if i'm late...people will call...
if i'm sick...people will be worried
whenever i'm hungry...there's always somebody to accompany to late night supper...
and whatever fight i had with him...will be resolved during exam time...

people always said that he was taking advantage of me...that he was just using me...but it didn't matter to me...maybe i'm blind...maybe i'm stupid...maybe i'man idiot for letting love did all that to me...

but the truth is..everybody is the same...i'm not saying that all of my friends are like that...but i mean everybody in general...we all have something to gain with somebody else...

so if people said he's taking advantage of me...i'll say...i'm taking advantage of him too...we're friends with benefits...and we're both okay with that...

actually i'm more contend in being his best friend...or someone that he love...but friends with benefits works just fine..there's no point in getting your hope up...

better be prepared for the worse...sediakan payung sebelum hujan...

a story

2009-05-02T11:18:00.000-07:00

there was a girl. she was so complex,twisted and confused with her own thoughts and feelings that she became so attached yet disconnected from the people around her. she likes animals better. easier to handle. not to hard to guess what goes on in the head. predictable.

but she lives among people. humans. she had to understand them. especially people around her. who's close to her. but human is too complex. just like her. no one will ever figure out exactly what goes on inside their mind, even the owner itself. so how on earth would she ever knew them?

emotions is the point. humans never think straight because of their emotions. animals have emotions too. but animals emotions is not as complex as humans'. animals don't feel guilt or pressure or favouritism. they act accordingly. they use their instincts. they have sex when they're in the heat. they kill when they need food. they take care of their young and let them go their own way when it's time. there's no farewell crying, no marriage, no dating, no complicated love.no apology. those unreasonable thing only existed in humans complex world. animals love their young when they were young. they let them go when they're old enough to take care of themselves. period. physiologic protection. responsibility. predictability.

humans is as unreasonable as they are complex. she never understands them. nor did she understand herself. but not due to lack of trying. she felt trapped. she's not at peace with herself. it's like putting up a show for everyone else that somehow she had lost her very own self. who is she really? what is her essense? she wanted to be herself back but she can't find it. where did she lost it? did it drop on her way towards adulthood? maybe she never even had an essence. that's why she can't grow up. she doesn't know who to be. there's too much foreign inputs in her that she had completely crash out. she wish she had more time. so she could put herself together. find her true essense. be someone who is truly hers. but time is a luxury no one could ever had. we keep up with time. not the other way around. if you miss it,then that's it.

which is more important? being who you truly are, even if it takes a long time...or keeping up with the time, even if it costs you your own self. why can't we have both? because life is all about sacrifice. but what is life? you live your life for who? for what? why do you live?

for her, all her life had been for others. her parents. they had high expectations for her. she must achieve all the highs and be the epitome of success.
her siblings. she must be an example although frankly, she's not. she has to guide them.be their big sis and bro.
her grandparents. she's the daughter they never had. she's just not any other granddaughter. she's theirs'.
her friends. she's their consult. their psychiatrist. the one they came to with problems and go home with solutions. she's their salvation in need.
but she never knew what she is to herself.

joy in life. every people find it in their own unique way. different people find joy in different things. for her, it's the smile on other's face. she loves a smile. it's the only thing that she could understand. but not anymore. nowadays, a smile could hurt you just like the worst insult. a smile no longer looks just sincere. there's also cynical smile, sarcastic smile, you-deserve-that-bitch kinda smile, a smirk look alike, and loads more painful smile to look at. how could something so beautiful and universal became so twisted and unprecedented?

how humans could do anything with emotions....

1st time

2009-04-26T01:03:00.000-07:00

i'm not a people person. i love being around people...but i don't actually be a part of the group.
it's just doing what people told me to...orexpect me to...is kinda hard.i don't surrender to direction easily...i don't follow orders...i don't obey rules...i'm practically living in people's world with my own way.

i'm used to being alone...so it never bothers me if people leave me on my own. it never occurred to me that one day i'll be bothered by it. it's not the loneliness...but the feeling that i just hurt people that matter to me. maybe i don't matter to them...maybe it's just me feeling like they're important...but somehow...for the 1st time in my life....i'm concerned with what i've done to others who are not my family.

selfishness

2009-04-25T08:51:00.000-07:00

it's strange how easily you get carried away by emotions. even just because of a very small, extremely tiny thing...you explode. forgetting all the years spent together. all the memories made together. all the help that ever given. all the hardships endured together. all the good times together.

how could i do this to them? maybe they know...maybe they don't. maybe they understand...maybe they couldn't. maybe they'll forgive me...maybe they won't

what have i done? i've always destroy everything good in my life with my stupid emotions...just because i'm selfish...

2 words

2009-04-24T07:08:00.000-07:00

love and sorry are 2 exclusive words to me

i don't fall in love easily
i don't give up in love easily
i don't let go of love easily
i don't feel sorry easily
i don't say I'm sorry easily
i don't say I love you easily
i don't say I love you to just any person

it's just who i am...

start over?

2009-04-24T02:51:00.000-07:00

the thing about picking up the pieces in your life is...there is so many small pieces scattered around everywhere...that it became hard to even with. just imagine tring to tidy up an extremely messy room. you'd be lost as where to start. you might take a moment or two. you might even give up.

after all, it's not easy to rebuild a life that have been shattered. where would you start? how would you do it? where do you go? which direction do you follow?

what kind of life do you want? the life before all the destruction happen? or a new life that you don't even have any idea yet.

it's scary. trying to rebuild something that has crashed down before. does the foundation strong enough? will it crumble again? how could i make it better, stronger and tougher than before? what's wrong with the previous one? i want to make sure that it won't happen again.

but i'm only human. and human is capable of mistakes. and that's exactly what i've been doing.

realization

2009-04-23T08:28:00.000-07:00

i'm beginning to understand why he didn't love me. despite the fact that we were best friends, despite the fact that we were friends for 3 years...why hadn't he fell for me?

well, i'm starting to view this in a different light. it was my fault. i tried too hard and it drove him away. i tried too hard and it just shows my dark sides. the sides that you don't want people to see. the sides that only comes up once in a while. unfortunately,he had seen those sides far too frequent.

how could i blame him if he wants someone else? someone better, with more manners, skills and far more likeable. i'm clumsy, loud, with no sense in anything at all. i've been too stupid, too optimistic, too confident that he'll want me just because he sticks around as a friend for as long as he did.

he was one of the bestest friend you could ever have. and i was lucky. but i take too much for granted. and it's time to move on.

16/2/2009

do u still remember

2009-04-23T03:23:00.000-07:00

even when you no longer here
even when you no longer remember
even when you no longer care

you'll always be my special one...

do u still remember this words?? the poem that i gave...do u still have it?? nothing's changed...even if we do

a letter from me to you

2009-04-23T03:04:00.000-07:00

my love,

i love u. it's as simple as that. i don't expect you to feel the same way as i do but it will be extremely wonderful if the feeling is mutual.

i see you everyday in class. 6 days a week. and it hurts me to see you. the way you look at me. the way you are right now. all of that hurts. i don't know why but it just did. maybe because i'm not there to share it with you. or maybe because you seem perfectly okay without me.

i tried so hard to move on. but i only managed to do it superficially. every smile, every laugh was a lie. fake. a joke on my own expense. i wasn't really doing all that. i was crying deep inside becuase you weren't there. how long will i continue to weep? i have no idea.

being in love was stupid. i would not recommend it to anyone. it just brings out the fool in you. i love you yet i hurt you. how stupid was that? i've brought so much misery into your life that i think you've got a lifetime worth of pain already.

so i'm leaving. i'm leaving you to a better life without me. maybe one day we can be friends again. but not now. i love you too much to even be friends. i'm letting go because i know you deserve a lot better

when the pain had passed away,
when the wound had healed,
when the hurt had gone,
when all was left was the scar,
i'll smile again, for real.

9/2/2009

missing him

2009-04-23T03:00:00.000-07:00

i miss him. miss him teribbly. seeing him everyday just makes me miss him even more and more. seeing him everyday is like a torture but when he walks away. i feel empty. it's a sweet torture. torture that i look forward to. torture that i happily put myself into. not being able to be with him is hard.but i realize that being with him, will only bring misery to him. will make things worse. it will just destroy us both. so i stay away.

even if it's killing me inside

9/2/2009

i just can't

2009-04-23T02:51:00.001-07:00

i can't. i can't lose him. i can't be his friends. i can't be anything to him. i can't be near him. i can't be with him. i can't do anything.all i know is that i can't

2/2/2009

stupid ol me

2009-04-23T02:48:00.000-07:00

i'm being stupid again. i'm always a fool whenever i'm with him. whatever that concerns him. i'm a moron.

he asked me what's the problem....
the problem?..... i just wanna shout at him and tell him everything. but i just can't. coz it makes the wound even deeper.

i can't stop crying. i hate myself

30/1/2009

moment of bliss

2009-04-23T02:44:00.000-07:00

i talked with him today. or rather he talked most of the time. he tell me things. about tomorrow's dinner; what songs he'll be singing, who's his partner and other mundane, mindless things. i just kept quiet even though i have loads to say. i was bursting with things to say to him yet i kept quiet. coz i knew, the moment i open my mouth, we'll be fighting again. and i hate to puncture this bubble of bliss. although i knew it won't last. it's just so fragile.

30/1/2009

stupid

2009-04-23T02:41:00.000-07:00

i lost my handphone today. it was brand new. it's almost identical to his. and i went running back to him. asking him to lend a shoulder for me to cry on. it was stupid. i was stupid. i'd find any excuse just to go back to him. i am stupid. moron. idiot.

29/1/2009

let me be

2009-04-23T02:32:00.000-07:00

today, i walk alone. i am perfectly capable of taking care of myself on my own but somehow i can't shake this lingering feeling of sadness.

here i am. mourning over my loss. but he is fine. he is self-sustaining. i'm the one who keeps coming back for more. how on earth did he become the one that help me sustain my wonderful, sane self? i'm going crazy just by not seeing him.

it's a torture, seeing him everyday. breathing the same air as him. sharing the same space. but it's a sweet torture. a torture that i look forward to. i don't know what will happen when all of this is over. i don't know how long i'll subject myself to this torture. but i do know that i'm not yet ready to live my life without his presence. no matter how tortureous it might be. no matter how badly wounded i'll be. i'll just live my life this way for now.

4/2/2009

over

2009-04-23T02:23:00.000-07:00

i love him. it's as simple as that. and he doesn't love me. period.

but i don't think we can work anything out between us. there's nothing to be saved anymore. unsaveable. that's his word. i quote that from him. and i think we can't even be friends anymore. the pain is just too great. the hurt is just too deep. i can't even look at him anymore. can't even hear his name anymore. it just inflicts more wounds. i need to face the reality of it. it's over. nothing's left.

period.

1/2/2009

trying to get over

2009-01-29T08:21:00.000-08:00

today, i saw him. he was smiling. he was laughing. but he wasn't smiling because of me. he wasn't laughing with me. and those dashing smiles and contagoius laughs were definitely not for me.

getting over love is tough. especially if it's unrequited love. everywhere i turn, memories kept flooding back. i guess the memories of us as friends got blurred by my emotions. everything we ever shared, were just as friends. unfortunately, i can't appreciate that right now.

getting over one sided love is very painful. because there's nothing about him that i hate. i'm in pain because he doesn't love me. and i can't hate him for that. how can i hate a guy for something that he didn't do?

today, he talked to me. or rather, he asked me for some candy. i didn't say anything but i gave him some candy. i think i'll always keep some candy in my bag for him. even when i knew he already had someone else. i can't stop thinking about him. can't stop thinking for him. and until i stop, this pain will never go away.

29/1/2009

emptiness

2009-01-29T08:12:00.000-08:00

it's been 4 days. i feel empty. void. lonely even though i'm surrounded by friends. there's a hole in my heart that's threatening to engulf me completely. it's like a black hole. sucking up every bit of life that i had.

i was on the verge of feeling like this before. a few times. but everytime i sensed it, i kept running back to him and promised him countless things just so that he'll be my friend again. just so that he'll be by my side again. making me happy. then he'll hurt me again. i'll cry and distance will come between us....then i'll feel like crap and the cycle goes on and on. it's time to stop.

but thinking is waay easier than done. without him, i'm lost. i kept looking his way...hoping he'll look me way. but alas, that won't happen. he had made a choice. he had made his decision. he already choose someone else. i'm just a friend. that will never change.

it's time for me to experience this loneliness with its full force face on. time for me to feel the full power of this black hole. i need to find my way out of this without him this time. he is the conventional...most effective remedy. but i'm into alternative remedy now

28/1/2009

heart broken

2009-01-29T08:05:00.000-08:00

life is full of challenges. it will throw down a lot of hurdles at you and you learn to get over it.

i fell in love with a guy who didn't love me. that's tough. but what is even tougher, he's also my best friend. how could i lose 2 things that i treasure very much simultaneously?? that's too much to overcome in a short time.

emotionally : i wanna be with him. no matter how much it hurts. no matter what a complete idiot i'll be in front of him. i just wanna be with him and make him smile and smile for him...even if just temporarily.

rationally : i know i should stay far away from him. put some distance. try to build my own life back. put back pieces of my heart back. heal my own wound.

i just don't know what to do anymore. love hurts. love stinks. love makes me happy. he makes me happy. he makes me smile. he comforts me when i cry. he picks me up when i'm down. he makes me feel special. he makes me cry. he hurts me. he broke my heart. i love him

~ ~ s i g h ~ ~

introduction

2009-01-29T08:00:00.000-08:00

i don't have an opinion. i'm here because i needed to vent out. this is for me. not for you. but if you feel like reading some crap from a girl who's totally out of her mind....feel free to do so. don't say i didn't warn you...