there was a girl. she was so complex,twisted and confused with her own thoughts and feelings that she became so attached yet disconnected from the people around her. she likes animals better. easier to handle. not to hard to guess what goes on in the head. predictable.
but she lives among people. humans. she had to understand them. especially people around her. who's close to her. but human is too complex. just like her. no one will ever figure out exactly what goes on inside their mind, even the owner itself. so how on earth would she ever knew them?
emotions is the point. humans never think straight because of their emotions. animals have emotions too. but animals emotions is not as complex as humans'. animals don't feel guilt or pressure or favouritism. they act accordingly. they use their instincts. they have sex when they're in the heat. they kill when they need food. they take care of their young and let them go their own way when it's time. there's no farewell crying, no marriage, no dating, no complicated love.no apology. those unreasonable thing only existed in humans complex world. animals love their young when they were young. they let them go when they're old enough to take care of themselves. period. physiologic protection. responsibility. predictability.
humans is as unreasonable as they are complex. she never understands them. nor did she understand herself. but not due to lack of trying. she felt trapped. she's not at peace with herself. it's like putting up a show for everyone else that somehow she had lost her very own self. who is she really? what is her essense? she wanted to be herself back but she can't find it. where did she lost it? did it drop on her way towards adulthood? maybe she never even had an essence. that's why she can't grow up. she doesn't know who to be. there's too much foreign inputs in her that she had completely crash out. she wish she had more time. so she could put herself together. find her true essense. be someone who is truly hers. but time is a luxury no one could ever had. we keep up with time. not the other way around. if you miss it,then that's it.
which is more important? being who you truly are, even if it takes a long time...or keeping up with the time, even if it costs you your own self. why can't we have both? because life is all about sacrifice. but what is life? you live your life for who? for what? why do you live?
for her, all her life had been for others. her parents. they had high expectations for her. she must achieve all the highs and be the epitome of success.
her siblings. she must be an example although frankly, she's not. she has to guide them.be their big sis and bro.
her grandparents. she's the daughter they never had. she's just not any other granddaughter. she's theirs'.
her friends. she's their consult. their psychiatrist. the one they came to with problems and go home with solutions. she's their salvation in need.
but she never knew what she is to herself.
joy in life. every people find it in their own unique way. different people find joy in different things. for her, it's the smile on other's face. she loves a smile. it's the only thing that she could understand. but not anymore. nowadays, a smile could hurt you just like the worst insult. a smile no longer looks just sincere. there's also cynical smile, sarcastic smile, you-deserve-that-bitch kinda smile, a smirk look alike, and loads more painful smile to look at. how could something so beautiful and universal became so twisted and unprecedented?
how humans could do anything with emotions....
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